Saturday 6 November 2010

The 100 Worst Films of All Time: Part 4

And here is the final part. The 25 worst films of all time.

25. Who's Your Caddy? (2007)
Dir: Don Michael Paul
Cast: Big Boi, Lil Wayne, Tony Cox, Jenifer Lewis, Tamala Jones, Jeffrey Jones.
Genre: Comedy/Sport
Why: It may seem strange to some people, but I think Caddyshack is one of the greatest comedies of all time. And I'm not alone in this feeling. This film is a complete and utter rip-off of that comedy classic, and it does nothing but insult it's audience, and even it's own cast, who are so inept that they fail to entertain on even an insult-dishing level. This is pitiful.
Watch Instead: Caddyshack (1980)

24. Zodiac Killer (2005)
Dir: Ulli Lommel
Cast: David Hess, Ulli Lommel, JayTon Tucker, Vladimir Maksic.
Genre: Crime
Why: How do you make a stupid concept even stupider? You rip-off an actual serial killer and his murder spree and turn it into a copycat killer preying on relatives of the elderly. So, you're essentially ignoring the aims of the killer and just using his name to get people to watch your shitty movie. No wonder the director even hates this piece of insulting, crass bullshit.
Watch Instead: Zodiac (2007)

23. The Room (2003)
Dir: Tommy Wiseau
Cast: Tommy Wiseau, Greg Sestero, Robyn Paris, Juliette Danielle.
Genre: Comedy/Drama/Romance
Why: This film is so beyond amateur. It isn't funny. It isn't smart. It isn't clever. But it's convinced it is. It's also woefully insulting to someone who'd give his left arm and his soul to be in the movie business. It shows that, apparently, you need nothing that even resembles talent to make a comedy film. It's funny how unfunny this pile of crap is.
Watch Instead: American Beauty (1999)

22. Saw 3D (2010)
Dir: Kevin Greutert
Cast: Tobin Bell, Costas Mandylor, Cary Elwes, Betsy Russell, Sean Patrick Flanery.
Genre: Horror/Mystery/Thriller
Why: This film should have been amazing. While I hate both the Saw franchise and 3D movies, this is a match made in Heaven, but is fails on every single level. There is no intelligence to the actions that characters involve themselves in during the course of this film. There are no stakes. The twist is obvious, unless you have the IQ of a dead goldfish. And the gore is rancid, to the point where it detracts from the story that the creators are trying to tell. They tell it badly, but the direction hurts everything they attempt to implement. Thank God this fucking franchise is dead. Because regardless - I'm finished with the Saw series after this fucking disaster.
Watch Instead: Friday the 13th (1980)

21. The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)
Dir: Chris Weitz
Cast: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Ashley Greene, Dakota Fanning, Michael Sheen.
Genre: Drama/Fantasy/Romance
Why: The Twilight series is not aimed at me. I understand that. But I absolutely did enjoy the books on the first read-through, and this was way before the series gained international appeal. The second book was the weakest, and it is also the weakest film so far. The other two films are entertaining, but ultimately average. This is a steaming pile of cow shit. It tries to garner emotion from nowhere, and the characters quickly morph into moronic self-parodies of the parodies they already were. The doomed romance idea has been done to death, and this film tries too hard for too long to make it engaging. It doesn't manage it. In fact, it makes you sick to the stomach. Fuck this film to high Heaven.
Watch Instead: Romeo + Juliet (1996)

20. Die Another Day (2002)
Dir: Lee Tamahori
Cast: Pierce Brosnan, Halle Berry, Toby Stephens, Rick Yune, Rosamund Pike, John Cleese, Judi Dench.
Genre: Action/Adventure/Thriller
Why: This film did worse than any other bad Bond movie. It killed the franchise dead. That being said, it had moments that generated glimmers of potential. The pre-credits sequence is one of the best action sequences in a Brosnan Bond film and the torture scene is great, despite Madonna's crooning. It's the fact that the rest of the film is so awful that completely discredits these moments of brilliance. An invisible car; dodgy CGI para-sailing; an Ice Palace; Madonna; Halle Berry. This is one of the most intensely bad action films ever made. And the good makes the bad even worse and destroys it. Fuck every minute of this film. Even the best part.
Watch Instead: From Russia with Love (1963)

19. White Chicks (2004)
Dir: Keenan Ivory Wayans
Cast: Shawn Wayans, Marlon Wayans, Jaime King, Jennifer Carpenter, Terry Crews.
Genre: Comedy/Crime
Why: This film makes me sick to the stomach. It's an example of everything that is wrong with the comedy echelon of Hollywood. Take too reasonably entertaining comedian brothers and put them in a film that completely demeans both them, but the audience as well. Overly racist, absolutely unfunny and generally insulting, this film makes me physically angry. The only people who could possibly be entertained by this are people who hate themselves and the world around them. Fuck this shit.
Watch Instead: Some Like It Hot (1959)

18. Epic Movie (2007)
Dir: Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer
Cast: Jayma Mays, Kal Penn, Jennifer Coolidge, Adam Campbell, Fred Willard.
Genre: Adventure/Comedy
Why: This film's title is a contradiction in terms. There is nothing epic about this film, in either scale or humour. It is a bland, wasted opportunity. But then, what else could you expect from two morons like Friedberg and Seltzer. This is some of the most insultingly bad comedy I have ever seen. The potential laughs don't pay off, and the moments that aren't funny are truly horrible. This film deserves to die, like every other film this duo have ever made.
Watch Instead: Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

17. Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (2010)
Dir: Mike Newell
Cast: Jake Gyllenhaal, Ben Kingsley, Gemma Arterton, Alfred Molina, Ronald Pickup.
Genre: Action/Adventure/Fantasy/Romance
Why: What an absolute let-down. First you hire a director who made a fairly decent adaptation of my favourite Harry Potter book. Then you add a great cast, including the gorgeous Gemma Arterton. Then you release a steaming pile of freshly excreted bullshit. This film is an insult to a great video game series; there are no redeeming qualities to it whatsoever. The action is stale. The dialogue is pitiful. The story is weak. The effects are poor. Even Gemma Arterton doesn't look as awesome. When that happens, you know your film is an absolute failure.
Watch Instead: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984)

16. Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987)
Dir: Sidney J. Furie
Cast: Christopher Reeve, Gene Hackman, Jackie Cooper, Margot Kidder, Marc McClure, Jon Cryer.
Genre: Action/Adventure/Family/Fantasy
Why: Every superhero franchise seems to shatter by the time it reaches the fourth instalment. If it reaches the fourth, that is. Superman IV is easily the worst of these fourth movies; it is short, incomprehensible, and unlikeable. Christopher Reeve goes from being a fantastic representation of the Man of Steel to an absolute asshole. The action scenes are overlong and empty; the effects are abysmal. And the whole story involving nuclear disarmament makes absolutely zero sense in the context of the film, the time it was produced, and the world as a whole. Fuck this insulting pile of dog shit.
Watch Instead: Superman: The Movie (1978)

15. The Love Guru (2008)
Dir: Marco Schnabel
Cast: Mike Myers, Jessica Alba, Justin Timberlake, Romany Malco, Verne Troyer, Ben Kingsley.
Genre: Comedy/Romance/Sport
Why: Mike Myers' career is dead. He was amazing in Wayne's World. Funny as hell in Austin Powers. Awful in the Cat in the Hat. And now this. This is one of the worst comedy films ever made. It's just a 90-minute long sex joke. And an awfully unfunny one. If this is how Myers plans to continue his career, then he honestly won't have one for much longer. Because this film is absolute crap.
Watch Instead: Wayne's World (1990)

14. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003)
Dir: Stephen Norrington
Cast: Sean Connery, Peta Wilson, Richard Roxburgh, Shane West, Stuart Townsend, Max Ryan.
Genre: Action/Fantasy/Science Fiction
Why: This is one of the most evil films ever made. Based on one of the best graphic novels of the last ten years, it completely warps and destroys the source material. It ended Sean Connery's acting career. It ended Stephen Norrington's directorial career. It is poison. And it's sickening to think that some people find it entertaining, or god forbid, good in any way. It is slime; and the very worst kind of slime at that.
Watch Instead: Sherlock Holmes (2009)

13. Saw VI (2009)
Dir: Kevin Greutert
Cast: Tobin Bell, Costas Mandylor, Betsy Russell, Mark Rolston, Shawnee Smith.
Genre: Horror/Mystery/Thriller
Why: This film has more plot holes than any other film I have ever watched. Every scene adds a new one to the mix. It's pitifully stupid. Dumb, gore-filled scenes piled on top of pointless exposition, some contradictions that make Saw V irrelevant as a film, even more so than it was when first viewed, and some of the worst acting in the franchise. The traps are boring, too, meaning that any slight entertainment value disappears incredibly quickly. This film is bad. That is the only word that can describe it. And that's being especially kind to it.
Watch Instead: Halloween (1978)

12. Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009)
Dir: Andrzej Bartkowiak
Cast: Kristin Kreuk, Chris Klein, Neal McDonough, Michael Clarke Duncan, Taboo.
Genre: Action/Crime/Thriller
Why: The original Street Fighter movie was a pile of crap. This film makes it look like a work of art. Kristin Kreuk was always the worst part of Smallville, and here she plays the same bland character she's been playing for years, only this time, she's the best person on screen. Even Michael Clarke Duncan can't save this crap fest; rubbish action, one-note acting and shit plot. This is an absolutely stinking hunk of shit. And it's not even the worst videogame on this list.
Watch Instead: Kill Bill vol. 2 (2004)

11. Moonraker (1979)
Dir: Lewis Gilbert
Cast: Roger Moore, Michael Lonsdale, Lois Chiles, Richard Kiel, Bernard Lee.
Genre: Action/Adventure/Science Fiction/Thriller
Why: How could the creative team behind The Spy Who Loved Me, the first Bond film to have a completely original plot, come up with something as bad as this? Moonraker is the biggest Star Wars rip-off ever produced, and the worst part is it has no place in the Bond franchise. The special effects are some of the worst ever, the acting is stale, and the plot is absolute garbage. This is, hands down, the worst Bond film ever made.
Watch Instead: The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)

10. X-Men: The Last Stand (2006)
Dir: Brett Ratner
Cast: Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry, Ian McKellen, Patrick Stewart, Famke Janssen, Anna Paquin.
Genre: Action/Science Fiction/Thriller
Why: Take Joss Whedon's flawless Astonishing X-Men saga, add the classic Dark Phoenix saga, take away the two most important X-Men characters, and add some of the worst acting, action, effects and story ever conceived for film. Then you have X-Men 3. Fuck this absolutely atrocious film.
Watch Instead: X2: X-Men United (2003)

9. Super Mario Bros. (1993)
Dir: Rocky Morton, Annabel Jankel and Roland Joffe
Cast: Bob Hoskins, John Leguizamo, Dennis Hopper, Samantha Mathis, Mojo Nixon, Dan Castellaneta.
Genre: Action/Adventure/Comedy/Family
Why: Flaw One - Cast Bob Hoskins as Mario. Flaw Two - Make King Koopa a person. Flaw Three - Make a Super Mario film. Fuck this abomination and every single scene within.
Watch Instead: The Black Cauldron (1985)


8. Gigli (2003)
Dir: Martin Brest
Cast: Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez, Al Pacino, Christopher Walken, Lainie Kazan.
Genre: Comedy/Crime/Romance
Why: The perfect example of why couples shouldn't make movies, especially movies that rip-off better movies one of the couple has already been in. This rips off Chasing Amy to no end, and adds in some of the worst action ever filmed, and Jennifer Lopez. Fuck it.
Watch Instead: Chasing Amy (1997)


7. Son of the Mask (2005)
Dir: Lawrence Guterman
Cast: Jamie Kennedy, Alan Cumming, Kal Penn, Bob Hoskins, Steven Wright.
Genre: Adventure/Comedy/Family/Fantasy
Why: Take the edgy comic The Mask, turn it into a fun, but dark Jim Carrey movie then make a shitty sequel starring non-actors that completely destroys what The Mask is about. That sums up what this film could have been had it been slightly better than it was. As it is, it's a steaming pile of horse crap, with non-comedy by non-actors reading from a non-script. Fuck it.
Watch Instead: The Mask (1994)

6. Disaster Movie (2008)
Dir: Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer
Cast: Matt Lanter, Vanessa Minnillo, G Thang, Nick Steele, Kim Kardashian.
Genre: Comedy
Why: Look at the title. That sums this film up. One of the few films that has made me hate the world.
Watch Instead: Bean (1997)




5. House of the Dead (2003)
Dir: Uwe Boll
Cast: Jonathan Cherry, Tyron Leitso, Clint Howard, Ona Grauer, Erica Durance.
Genre: Action/Horror
Why: Great video game. Shit film. The worst Uwe Boll film. The most well known Uwe Boll film. The worst video game adaptation ever made. This film makes me physically angry.
Watch Instead: Dawn of the Dead (1978)





4. Battlefield Earth (2000)
Dir: Roger Christian
Cast: John Travolta, Barry Pepper, Forest Whitaker, Kim Coates.
Genre: Action/Science Fiction
Why: Scientology the Movie. Fuck it's existence.
Watch Instead: Star Wars (1977)





3. Murder-Set-Pieces (2004)
Dir: Nick Palumbo
Cast: Tony Todd, Gunnar Hansen, Sven Garrett, Edwin Neal.
Genre: Horror
Why: The worst example of horror gone wrong. This film doesn't even have a plot. It's just a Nazi, gore wank fest. Banned in the UK, too. Download the awesome Earth-2.net review from Episode 407 here: http://www.earth-2.net/theshow/theshow - the only good thing this film has done. Negative googol.
Watch Instead: The Wicker Man (1973)


2. Saw III (2006)
Dir: Darren Lynn Bousman
Cast: Tobin Bell, Shawnee Smith, Dina Meyer, Bahar Soomekh, Angus Macfadyen.
Genre: Crime/Horror/Thriller
Why: The worst instalment in the worst movie franchise of all time. There is nothing good in this film whatsoever. It's existence sickens me. It's content sickens me. The story is pitifully weak and unsubstantial, but is convinced it is genius. The acting is utterly pathetic. And the traps, while occasionally interesting, don't hold up in the world of logic, which the film tries so hard to place itself in. Fuck this absolutely bull-shit cock juggler of a film.
Watch Instead: The Exorcist (1973)

1. Meet the Spartans (2008)
Dir: Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer
Cast: Sean Maguire, Carmen Electra, Method Man, Kevin Sorbo, Nick Steele.
Genre: Comedy/War
Why: The first film to ever make me physically angry. This film is the reason I chose to do this list, it sums up everything I hate in cinema, but also in the world. Pathetic, unfunny garbage made to make a quick buck and sold to an audience of mentally incapable sheep who lap it up like gold. If you like this, you are not human. Fuck this abomination. It makes me shiver just writing about it, and I want to scream in anger at just how fucking bullshit it is. I absolutely hate it. Hate. Hate. Hate. HATE! It doesn't even deserve to be labelled as a film. Fuck it.
Watch Instead: Any other film ever.

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