100. Batman and Robin (1997)Dir: Joel Schumacher
Cast: George Clooney, Chris O'Donnell, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Uma Thurman, Alicia Silverstone.
Genre: Action/Crime/Fantasy/Science Fiction
Why: It took me a lot of will-power to stop myself from putting this at number one on the shit-list. It's better than everything else on this list, though, but it still killed the Batman franchise for eight years with it's pitiful acting, dodgy plot and general bland nature. I hate it.
Watch Instead: The Dark Knight (2008)
99. Punisher: War Zone (2008)Dir: Lexi Alexander
Cast: Ray Stevenson, Wayne Knight, Colin Salmon, Doug Hutchinson, Dominic West, Julie Benz.
Genre: Action/Crime/Drama/Thriller
Why: In contrast to the previous film, this film doesn't seem so bad, but then you watch it, and you see some of the worst characterisation, action scenes and visual stylings of any superhero film to date.
Watch Instead: The Punisher (2004)
Dir: Paul W. S. Anderson
Cast: Milla Jovovich, Ali Larter, Kim Coates, Shawn Roberts, Spencer Locke, Wentworth Miller.
Genre: Action/Horror/Science Fiction/Thriller
Why: For a series that showed lots of promise towards the end of the third instalment this is a tragic step down; everything feels forced and rushed, and the 3D effects are less than passable. Plus, there's the open ending and the threat of a fifth film.
Watch Instead: Resident Evil (2002)
97. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest (2006)
Dir: Gore Verbinski
Cast: Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, Keira Knightley, Bill Nighy, Stellan Skarsgard, Naomie Harris.
Genre: Action/Adventure/Fantasy
Why: The Pirates franchise started strong and ended badly, but it was actually the middle part that provided the worst chunk of the story; it tried too hard to be on par with The Empire Strikes Back, but only managed to be a hollow copy of the first Pirates movie.
Watch Instead: Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)
96. Southland Tales (2007)
Dir: Richard Kelly
Cast: Dwayne Johnson, Seann William Scott, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Justin Timberlake, Miranda Richardson.
Genre: Comedy/Drama/Fantasy/Science Fiction
Why: For Richard Kelly to follow the brilliant "Donnie Darko" with this travesty was an insult to his debut, and the fact it had a fantastic cast made it's mundane stupidity all the more irritating.
Watch Instead: Donnie Darko (2001)
95. Alien 3 (1992)
Dir: David Fincher
Cast: Sigourney Weaver, Brian Glover, Paul McGann, Lance Henriksen, Charles S. Dutton
Genre: Action/Science Fiction/Thriller
Why: To present what should have been the final instalment of this fantastic franchise in the way that this film does is truly insulting; it's a non-ending, and while the sequel is worse, it ruins the perfection of the first two movies.
Watch Instead: Aliens (1986)
Dir: Frank Miller
Cast: Gabriel Macht, Samuel L. Jackson, Scarlett Johansson, Eva Mendes, Paz Vega.
Genre: Action/Crime/Fantasy/Thriller
Why: Following the marvellous Sin City with a mock-serious/comic-dark adaptation of one of the most highly regarded comic books of all time displayed that not only had Frank Miller lost his ability to pen a coherent comic book, but also to make a passable film.
Watch Instead: Sin City (2005)
Dir: Stephen Sommers
Cast: Hugh Jackman, Kate Beckinsale, Richard Roxburgh, David Wenham, Will Kemp.
Genre: Action/Adventure/Drama/Fantasy
Why: For such a great concept this is a truly abysmal film. It manages to completely malign the brilliant stories of Dracula, Frankenstein and the Wolf-Man, and turn it into a Wolverine rip-off starring Wolverine himself.
Watch Instead: House of Dracula (1945)
Dir: Kurt Wimmer
Cast: Milla Jovovich, Cameron Bright, Nick Chinlund, William Fichtner.
Genre: Action/Science Fiction
Why: It's a Resident Evil knock-off, but considering that series isn't even that great, this feels even worse. The fact that Milla Jovovich can't act and doesn't dress in an attractive way during this stilted piece of ham-fisted action means it doesn't even have general appeal.
Watch Instead: Gloria (1980)
Dir: Jonathan Mostow
Cast: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Nick Stahl, Claire Danes, Kristanna Loken.
Genre: Action/Science Fiction/Thriller
Why: This film is pitiful. It completely destroys the wonderful foundation established by the previous instalments, and churns out numerous plot holes, an irritating John Conner and several sub-plots that prove to be nothing but filler. Best part? Kristanna Loken's entrance, which is 30 seconds long.
Watch Instead: Terminator 2: Judgement Day (1991)
90. Blade: Trinity (2004)Dir: David S. Goyer
Cast: Wesley Snipes, Jessica Biel, Ryan Reynolds, Parker Posey, Dominic Purcell, Kris Kristofferson.
Genre: Action/Adventure/Fantasy/Thriller
Why: Rule one of superhero/vampire movies is don't introduce the annoying teen sidekicks. Rule two is don't make Dracula a Euro-Trash diva. Rule three is don't fuck around with the fate of the hero. Rule four is don't kill off Kris Kristofferson ten minutes in when he's already died in the series and come back.
Watch Instead: Blade (1998)
Dir: Steven E. de Souza
Cast: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Kylie Minogue, Simon Callow, Raul Julia, Ming-Na.
Genre: Action/Comedy/Crime/Thriller
Why: Read that cast list and try and justify this film to me, because it's impossible. This is one of the best examples of why video game films are utter rubbish, as well as why Kylie doesn't act anymore, and why Jean-Claude Van Damme had to make JCVD to earn back respect.
Watch Instead: Enter the Dragon (1973)
Dir: Eli Roth
Cast: Jay Hernandez, Derek Richardson, Eypor Gudjonsson, Jennifer Lim.
Genre: Horror/Mystery/Thriller
Why: This is an example of a great concept done badly; take the idea of the Saw franchise and make it even gorier and more frightening. Eli Roth is a great director and writer, but this film fails to do anything other than solidify why the Saw model is flawed and bland.
Watch Instead: Wolf Creek (2005)
Dir: Lawrence Kasdan
Cast: Thomas Jane, Jason Lee, Timothy Olyphant, Morgan Freeman, Tom Sizemore.
Genre: Fantasy/Horror/Science Fiction/Thriller
Why: An example of how some Stephen King books just aren't that great, this film takes one of his less reputable stories and turns it into a 2-hour piece of mind-numbing boredom. It's a shame, especially given that most of the cast is made up of great actors, and it's directed by the guy who wrote The Empire Strikes Back and Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Watch Instead: The Shining (1980)
Dir: Michael Cimino
Cast: Kris Kristofferson, Christopher Walken, Isabelle Huppert, Jeff Bridges, John Hurt, Terry O'Quinn.
Genre: Drama/History/Western
Why: This is an example of a film that was maligned by the director, the studio and even the cast. Nobody could decide which version of it to release, and as a result, every version feels less and less entertaining, to the point where they all fail miserably. Given the great cast it's even more disappointing.
Watch Instead: Shane (1953)
Dir: Joe Alves
Cast: Dennis Quaid, Bess Armstrong, Louis Gossett Jr, John Putch, Simon MacCorkindale.
Genre: Thriller
Why: One of the best examples of why 3-D is an utterly pointless and unoriginal form of filmmaking, this is an almost plot-less threequel to the classic man vs shark tale that drags in relations of popular characters to try and hook the audience. That, and the effects are awful, even by the standards of the time.
Watch Instead: Jaws (1975)
Dir: Paul W. S. Anderson
Cast: Sanaa Lathan, Lance Henriksen, Raoul Bova, Ewen Bremner, Colin Salmon.
Genre: Action/Science Fiction/Thriller
Why: Another example of why Paul W. S. Anderson should write throwaway action films but never direct them, this is an insult to the magnificent Alien series and the middling Predator franchise. The fact there isn't a cohesive story wouldn't be a problem, if only the action wasn't clunky and boring.
Watch Instead: Predator (1987)
Dir: Darren Lynn Bousman
Cast: Donnie Wahlberg, Franky G, Emmanuelle Vaugier, Shawnee Smith, Tobin Bell.
Genre: Horror/Mystery/Thriller
Why: The first indication that the Saw franchise wasn't going to improve on the engaging concept presented by the first film, the second instalment in the franchise was far from the worst, but suffered from being the most boring and bland. It wasn't good, but it certainly wasn't as awful as the series would become in later sequels.
Watch Instead: Scream (1996)
Dir: David Zucker
Cast: Anna Faris, Charlie Sheen, Leslie Nielsen, Pamela Anderson, George Carlin.
Genre: Comedy
Why: Following two spoof movies that were merely okay, this film began the wave of spoof movies that would destroy the structure of cinema as we knew it. Bad jokes, bad acting, bad everything; and it only gets worse from here.
Watch Instead: Hot Shots! Part Deux (1993)
Dir: John Glen
Cast: Roger Moore, Christopher Walken, Tanya Roberts, Grace Jones, Robert Brown.
Genre: Action/Adventure/Thriller
Why: The last Roger Moore film proved to be an example of just how stale the camp James Bond structure was rotting away, becoming more of a self-parody than anything else. Moore was too old, the supporting cast were too young, and the plot was too stupid.
Watch Instead: The World Is Not Enough (1999)
Dir: Courtney Solomon
Cast: Jeremy Irons, Marlon Wayans, Thora Birch, Justin Whalin, Bruce Payne.
Genre: Action/Adventure/Fantasy
Why: It's a Dungeons and Dragons movie for God's sake! One of the worst ideas for a film ever; base it on a board game that had already been an awful TV show. The stupidity of Hollywood laid bare.
Watch Instead: The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)
Dir: M. Night Shyamalan
Cast: Mark Wahlberg, Zooey Deschanel, John Leguizamo, Betty Buckley, Spencer Breslin.
Genre: Drama/Mystery/Science Fiction/Thriller
Why: A film about people fighting killer plants sounds almost watchable, but it really isn't. It's silly, and yet tries to be serious throughout, turning itself into a woefully ignorant piece of propaganda and satire, without meaning to be either.
Watch Instead: Children of Men (2006)
Dir: Mark Steven Johnson
Cast: Nicholas Cage, Eva Mendes, Wes Bentley, Sam Elliott, Donal Logue, Peter Fonda.
Genre: Action/Fantasy/Thriller
Why: For such a brilliant idea, this film is an example of how not to adapt a comic book to the screen; awful effects, bad acting and action scenes that don't amount to anything more than quick blurs of dodgy CGI.
Watch Instead: Constantine (2005)
Dir: Andy and Larry Wachowski
Cast: Keanu Reeves, Laurence Fishburne, Carrie-Anne Moss, Hugo Weaving, Jada Pinkett-Smith, Harold Perrineau.
Genre: Action/Adventure/Science Fiction
Why: The third Matrix film shows that not all films need sequels, or threequels; it completely ruins the story established in the first film, and just continues to fall further and further into an abyss of repeating action scenes, pointless deaths and unnecessary special effects.
Watch Instead: The Matrix (1999)
Dir: Andy Humphries
Cast: Johnny Vegas, Mackenzie Crook, Mark Gatiss, Dominic Coleman.
Genre: Comedy
Why: Pointless and insulting comedy that goes from being unfunny to simply tasteless within the first ten minutes, the remainder of the film is a mish-mash of humourless jokes and bad acting.
Watch Instead: Clerks (1994)
Next Time: 25 more pieces of shit.
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