Dir: Alan Metter
Cast: Michael Winslow, Ron Perlman, Christopher Lee, David Graf, George Gaynes.
Genre: Comedy/Crime
Why: Considering how bland and unexciting the majority of the Police Academy series is, this seventh instalment is just a constant flux of bad jokes, boring characters and generally rubbish use of some really great actors.
Watch Instead: Police Academy (1984)
Dir: Jean-Pierre Jeunet
Cast: Sigourney Weaver, Winona Ryder, Ron Perlman, Brad Dourif, Michael Wincott.
Genre: Action/Science Fiction/Thriller
Why: An example of just how far a series can fall, even when you have a genius like Joss Whedon behind the screenplay. There is nothing memorable or exciting about this film, and as a result you get 110 minutes of empty plot, poor effects and rubbish action.
Watch Instead: Alien (1979)
Dir: Jessy Terrero
Cast: Kevin Hart, Method Man, Snoop Dogg, Godfrey, Tom Arnold.
Genre: Comedy/Music
Why: Some of the worst jokes in film history, combined with a cast of non-actors who have no sense of comic timing and merely spout grotesque jokes in an irritating, unfunny manner.
Watch Instead: Borat (2006)
Dir: Tamra Davis
Cast: Britney Spears, Kim Cattrall, Zoe Saldana, Dan Akroyd, Justin Long.
Genre: Adventure/Comedy/Drama/Music
Why: One of the worst examples of a celebrity-fuelled movie that never needed to be made, and only served to be more irritating than the star who appeared in it. Britney Spears kills films, which is why this film is a corpse.
Watch Instead: Little Miss Sunshine (2006)
Dir: Phil Claydon
Cast: James Corden, Matthew Horne, Paul McGann, Emer Kenny, Lucy Gaskell.
Genre: Action/Comedy/Horror
Why: James Corden is an awful human being. The worst kind. And this film is a cluster-fuck of reasons why he is an awful human being. There is nothing humorous here, only constant scenes of boring horror and his own ego shining through.
Watch Instead: Shaun of the Dead (2004)
Dir: Russell Mulcahy
Cast: Christopher Lambert, Sean Connery, Virginia Madsen, Michael Ironside.
Genre: Action/Fantasy/Science Fiction
Why: An incoherent mess of a sequel that tries too hard to intensify the plot of the original and yet only succeeds in destroying the original's own flawed logic.
Watch Instead: Highlander (1986)
69. The Last Airbender (2010)
Dir: M. Night Shyamalan
Cast: Noah Ringer, Nicola Peltz, Dev Patel, Shaun Toub, Jackson Rathbone.
Genre: Action/Adventure/Family/Fantasy
Why: Incredibly flat adaptation of a decent anime that proves to be nothing but boring and nonsensical to the extreme. It also boasts one of the single worst screenplays of all time.
Watch Instead: Stardust (2007)
Dir: Uwe Boll
Cast: Kristanna Loken, Michael Madsen, Ben Kingsley, Billy Zane, Meat Loaf, Michelle Rodriguez.
Genre: Action/Adventure/Fantasy/Horror
Why: This film has 30 seconds of Kristanna Loken nude. That is the only positive. Otherwise it is merely a steaming pile of horseshit.
Watch Instead: Blade II (2002)
67. The Punisher (1989)Dir: Mark Goldblatt
Cast: Dolph Lundgren, Jeroen Krabbe, Kim Miyori, Barry Otto, Louis Gossett Jr.
Genre: Action/Crime/Drama/Thriller
Why: One of the biggest cheeseball superhero films of all time; it illustrates Hollywood's stupidity when it comes to adapting content to the screen, particularly from comic books with so much cinematic potential. Plus, it's got Dolph Lundgren in it.
Watch Instead: Kick-Ass (2010)
Dir: Jan de Bont
Cast: Sandra Bullock, Willem Dafoe, Jason Patric, Temuera Morrison, Brian McCardie.
Genre: Action/Romance/Thriller
Why: Considered by the majority of Hollywood as the worst sequel ever made, this film is, indeed, one of the worst films ever made; it does pretty much the same as the first film, only without any tension or entertainment value.
Watch Instead: Speed (1994)
Dir: Brian Robbins
Cast: Eddie Murphy, Thandie Newton, Cuba Gooding Jr, Marlon Wayans, Katt Williams.
Genre: Comedy/Romance
Why: The Golden Raspberry Awards this film won describes exactly how bad it is - unfunny, often insulting, piece of cinema.
Watch Instead: The Nutty Professor (1996)
Dir: Gavin Hood
Cast: Hugh Jackman, Liev Schreiber, Danny Huston, Ryan Reynolds, will.i.am.
Genre: Action/Fantasy/Science Fiction/Thriller
Why: Badly paced, poorly plotted, stupidly acted and totally inconsequential prequel that completely insults the majority of the X-Men movies. An insult to the franchise, but not nearly as much as the third film.
Watch Instead: X-Men (2000)
Dir: Jeremiah S. Chechik
Cast: Ralph Fiennes, Uma Thurman, Sean Connery, Patrick Macnee, Jim Broadbent.
Genre: Action/Adventure/Thriller
Why: An insult to a fantastic TV show that manages to almost destroy the careers of every actor involved along with the reputation of the show itself.
Watch Instead: Thunderball (1965)
Dir: Harold Ramis
Cast: Jack Black, Michael Cera, Olivia Wilde, David Cross, Paul Rudd.
Genre: Adventure/Comedy
Why: Overly silly, dreary piece of supposed comedy that is mediocre at it's best moments, and abysmal at it's worst.
Watch Instead: Apocalypto (2006)
Dir: John Moore
Cast: Mark Wahlberg, Mila Kunis, Ludacris, Chris O'Donnell, Donal Logue.
Genre: Action/Crime/Drama/Fantasy
Why: Take a brilliantly plotted video game, take away the brilliance of the plot, and add some supernatural sections that don't actually work in the context of the story, and you get Max Payne, one of the worst non-Uwe Boll video game adaptations ever made.
Watch Instead: The Fugitive (1993)
Dir: Harald Zwart
Cast: Steve Martin, Jean Reno, Alfred Molina, Andy Garcia, John Cleese.
Genre: Adventure/Comedy/Crime/Mystery
Why: A constant series of slapstick gags that have no substance, accompanied by some overly hammy acting and a plot that feels even worse when you compare it to it's contemporaries and predecessors.
Watch Instead: The Pink Panther (1963)
Dir: Uwe Boll
Cast: Jason Statham, John Rhys-Davies, Ron Perlman, Claire Forlani, Kristanna Loken, Matthew Lillard.
Genre: Action/Adventure/Drama/Fantasy
Why: Uwe Boll's attempt at recreating the brilliance of The Lord of the Rings succeeds in merely replicating all the awkward parts of the trilogy, with hammy acting, and action sequences that feel cliqued, stiff and purposefully bland.
Watch Instead: The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)
58. Jaws: The Revenge (1987)Dir: Joseph Sargent
Cast: Lorraine Gary, Michael Caine, Karen Young, Judith Barsi, Lance Guest.
Genre: Thriller
Why: Boring melodrama combined with hammy acting and some of the worst special effects in film history. The shark is so bad, it doesn't even look like a shark.
Watch Instead: Deep Blue Sea (1999)
Dir: Tom Green
Cast: Tom Green, Rip Torn, Anthony Michael Hall, Harland Williams, Darren Moore.
Genre: Comedy
Why: One of the nominees for worst film of the last decade at the Golden Raspberrys, and one of the least funny, most overly insulting films ever made. Tom Green is so much better than this, and yet, this is probably the best example of his solo stuff. Fuck this film.
Watch Instead: Road Trip (2000)
56. Vampires Suck (2010)
Dir: Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer
Cast: Matt Lanter, Ken Jeong, Jenn Proske, Christopher N. Riggi, Arielle Kebbel.
Genre: Comedy
Why: The latest piece of shit based on the Scary Movie model; there isn't a single funny joke in the entire thing, and the majority of it is witless, boring garbage.
Watch Instead: Airplane! (1980)
55. Popeye (1980)Dir: Robert Altman
Cast: Robin Williams, Shirley Duvall, Ray Walston, Paul Dooley, Linda Hunt, Paul L. Smith.
Genre: Comedy/Family/Musical/Romance
Why: An immensely boring adaptation of one of the greatest cartoons of all time. Even Robin Williams cannot save this film from being a cluttered, unfunny mess.
Watch Instead: Enchanted (2007)
54. Hostel: Part II (2007)
Dir: Eli Roth
Cast: Jay Hernandez, Richard Burgi, Roger Bart, Lauren German, Jordan Ladd.
Genre: Horror/Thriller
Why: This series goes the same way as the Saw franchise as the sequel churns out more gore, more boredom and some of the worst stuff I've ever seen on film. Fuck this film.
Watch Instead: Switchblade Romance (2003)
Dir: Michael Caton-Jones
Cast: Sharon Stone, David Thewlis, David Morrissey, Flora Montgomery.
Genre: Crime/Mystery/Thriller
Why: An unnecessary sequel to a slightly enjoyable film infamous for a flash of vagina, this film is absolutely unwatchable. There is no real story here, and nobody does a good job with the piece of shit they've been handed instead of a script. Fuck this film.
Watch Instead: Basic Instinct (1992)
Dir: Vondie Curtis-Hall
Cast: Mariah Carey, Terence Howard, Da Brat, Max Beesley, Tia Texada.
Genre: Music/Romance
Why: I understand this is aimed at mentally retarded 10-year-old girls. I get that. But this film is absolutely atrocious; Mariah Carey sleepwalks through it, trying her best to keep smiling through the crap smeared everywhere in the script. This film doesn't even deserve a "fuck you."
Watch Instead: Josie and the Pussycats (2001)
Dir: Damien Dante Wayans
Cast: Damon Wayans Jr, Shoshana Bush, Essence Atkins, Shawn Wayans, Marlon Wayans.
Genre: Action/Comedy/Music
Why: The first spoof the Wayans have done since the early Scary Movies, and it serves to be nothing more than an absolutely awful piece of faux-filmmaking. No proper jokes, no proper actors, no proper film. Fuck this piece of shit.
Watch Instead: The Last Boy Scout (1991)
Next Time: 25 More Shit-Fuckers
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